Shabana Azmi on not having kids: ‘Society makes you feel incomplete’; when women choose child-free lives

Shabana Azmi, one of India’s most iconic veteran actors, opened up about the emotional struggles of not being able to have children and how society often makes women feel incomplete without motherhood. 

In an interview with indianexpress.com, when asked about her message to women who are prone to self-blame after making the choice of not having children, she said, “It’s tough coming to terms with the fact that you can’t bear children. Society makes you feel incomplete. You have to work hard to pull yourself out of that. But your ultimate sense of self must come from your work.”

She continued, “Women often measure self-worth from their relationships – how they hold up as a wife, mother, daughter… For a man that’s not the criterion of success – rather it’s his career, his work that gives him the greatest satisfaction. I believe that should apply to all genders.”.

As more women today are consciously choosing to remain child-free, they are redefining what it means to live a fulfilled life. Gurleen Baruah, occupational psychologist and executive coach at That Culture Thing, says, “In many cultures, motherhood is often seen as a defining milestone of womanhood. From a young age, women are surrounded by narratives — whether in movies, social conversations, or family expectations — that equate becoming a mother with achieving a ‘complete’ life. Yet, the reality is far more nuanced, and a growing number of women are choosing to remain child-free.”

Neha Cadabam, senior psychologist at Cadabams Mindtalk, adds, “Women who choose to remain child-free often face significant psychological and emotional challenges, largely stemming from societal expectations that equate womanhood with motherhood. This societal pressure can manifest in various forms, from subtle suggestions to overt judgment, and can be deeply internalised, making the decision to remain child-free both emotionally and mentally taxing.”

With more flexibility, child-free individuals often indulge in travel and hobbies (Source: Freepik)

Psychological and emotional challenges women may face when society pressures them to have children

Baruah says that women who choose to be child-free often face “feelings of guilt and self-judgement, particularly when societal norms equate womanhood with motherhood. This can lead to internalised guilt, with some questioning if their choice is selfish or unnatural.” 

Fear of stigma and social isolation may arise as they deviate from the traditional life path, especially as friends transition into parenthood. Pressure from family and friends can add emotional stress, forcing them to repeatedly justify their decisions, she adds. 

Cultivating fulfillment and purpose in other aspects of life

In the 21st century, choosing to remain child-free is increasingly seen as a valid and fulfilling lifestyle. Here’s how individuals cultivate fulfillment without children, as states by Baruah:

Living on Their Own Terms: Many embrace the freedom to shape their lives according to personal desires rather than societal expectations, finding satisfaction in self-care, personal interests, and unique experiences.

Career and Personal Growth: Focusing on career achievements and personal development offers financial independence and a sense of legacy, as individuals pour their energy into professional and personal success.

Exploring Passions: With more flexibility, child-free individuals often indulge in travel and hobbies, discovering new cultures and pursuing creative outlets that bring joy and purpose.

Community Service: Many channel their time and energy into volunteering and supporting causes, finding fulfillment in contributing to society and fostering connections with others.

Advice for women who feel judged or marginalised because of their decision not to pursue motherhood

Women who choose not to pursue motherhood often face judgement from family, friends, and society, making it challenging to navigate these pressures, informs Baruah. “Understanding that most comments come from a place of care can help take them less personally, as they often reflect others’ experiences rather than critiques. When conversations arise, calmly share your perspective and set compassionate boundaries if needed”.

She suggests surrounding yourself with a supportive circle of like-minded individuals who can offer comfort and reinforcement. “In the end, accepting that some may never fully understand your choice allows you to let go of the need for approval and live true to yourself.”

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