Our granddaughter’s boyfriend is too old for her. What can we do?

Written by Philip Galanes

Q: My 22-year-old granddaughter is in love with a man who is 36. They have been dating for a year. I want to maintain my closeness with her, so I hide my concern about the age gap. My husband (her grandfather) does not. Recently, our granddaughter told me that she would like to bring her boyfriend to a family dinner, but she is afraid of what her grandfather might say. I’ve tried to ask him to be open about this, but before we get anywhere, he changes the subject. I perceive a commitment looming, and I would like to meet this boyfriend. Our daughter met him, and she likes him. What should I do? — GRANDMA

A: I have no doubt that you and your husband love your granddaughter. I also understand that you’ve known her longer as a child than as she is now: an autonomous adult. Still, your concerns about her relationship with a man you have not even met seem premature — and a little self-sabotaging. In the hierarchy of relationships, a romantic partner beats a grandparent on most days. Why make your granddaughter choose between you unless it’s absolutely unavoidable?

Also, in your telling, this boyfriend has no occupation, no interests, no family or friends who love him. He is flattened to a single data point: his age. This is a harmful way to think about people. I promise I will be here for you if you later decide that your granddaughter is in an unhealthy relationship. But at this point, I’m with you: Just meet the guy!

Now, unless you’ve been married to your husband for less than 15 minutes, I suspect that you already know how to deal with him when he hems and haws or changes the subject. You say: “Stop this nonsense! We are going to have dinner with this man, and if you can’t be pleasant, don’t come.” If you can’t pull that off, just invite the couple to lunch on your own.

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