Esha Deol says Dharmendra wanted her to ‘settle down at 18’: Challenges women face balancing parental expectations and career goals in India

Balancing parental expectations and personal ambitions is a challenge many women face in India. For Esha Deol, daughter of legendary actors Dharmendra and Hema Malini, this struggle was no different. Despite being born into a family steeped in the film industry, her father had a different vision for her, one that involved getting married and “settling down” rather than pursuing a career in acting.

“He didn’t want me to enter films. He was rightfully orthodox because he was a Punjabi, so he wanted me to get married and settle down at 18 because that was his conditioning. The women in his family are brought up that way. But my upbringing was very different in my house, seeing my mom act in films, and her dance, gave me direction. It was ingrained in me that I wanted to do something,” Esha told Hauterrfly in an interview.

This tension between Dharmendra’s traditional expectations and her desire to carve her own path became a defining aspect of her journey. She said, “It took a long time to convince him; it was not easy, but today is a different story.”

Esha’s experience sheds light on a common cultural dilemma faced by many Indian women, who often find themselves torn between fulfilling their parents’ desires and pursuing their own career aspirations.

Gurleen Baruah, occupational psychologist and executive coach at That Culture Thing, in a conversation with indianexpress.com, said, “In many Indian families, especially those rooted in collectivist cultures, tradition often takes precedence over individualistic values. In such societies, adhering to established gender roles is common.”

For women, this often means prioritising marriage, shouldering household responsibilities, and raising children. For men, it can involve being the primary breadwinner and provider for the family. This dynamic can significantly impact women’s career choices.

In situations where there is significant pressure to marry and ‘settle down’ at the cost of one’s personal goals, she says, it can lead to various psychological challenges. (Source: Freepik)

Psychological impact of navigating parental pressure to settle down while pursuing one’s personal goals

Pressure to marry and “settle down” at the cost of one’s personal goals can lead to various psychological challenges, according to Baruah. “Individuals might experience feelings of bitterness, sadness, or even depression. The internal conflict between fulfilling family expectations and pursuing one’s dreams can create a sense of frustration and helplessness. Over time, these feelings can seep into other areas of life, affecting work, relationships, and overall mental well-being,” she said.

Strategies for women to balance career aspirations and family expectations

“It’s important to openly communicate with your family, especially if you believe they are willing to listen and they would understand,” said Baruah. “Start by having a dialogue where you can express that you’ve thought deeply about your future.”

Baruah is of the opinion that the next step is reflecting on how you see your life, what you truly want, and what matters most to you. Potential successes and setbacks should be assessed. “It’s important to be compassionate with yourself and not overly pushy or hard on yourself when things don’t go exactly as planned,” she said.

Another strategy is to plan ahead, mapping out small, achievable goals that allow you to balance family expectations with your personal ambitions. It’s about finding the right pace — moving towards your career goals while not completely neglecting family responsibilities.

Having a support system — mentors, a network of like-minded women, or even progressive family members — can ease the burden of trying to do it all on your own, according to Baruah.

“Lastly, it’s essential to give yourself grace. Balancing career and family is not an easy task, and there will be times when one area may require more attention than the other. Be flexible and adapt as life evolves,” said Baruah.

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