Farhan Akhtar felt ‘betrayed’ after father Javed Akhtar married Shabana Azmi: How parents can deal with children’s emotional challenges in such situations

When a parent remarries, it can trigger a whirlwind of emotions for their children, ranging from confusion and resentment to feelings of betrayal. Farhan Akhtar, a well-known actor and filmmaker, went through something similar when his father, screenwriter-lyricist Javed Akhtar, married Shabana Azmi in 1984.

In the latest Prime Video docu-series Angry Young Men, Akhtar opened up about his personal life, where he spoke at length about his first marriage falling apart at about the same time things turned sour between him and screenwriting partner Salim Khan. 

In the final episode of the show, he reveals, “Honey is one person in the world, towards whom I feel guilty. And she is the only person. Sixty-seventy percent responsibility lies on my shoulders, for the failure of that marriage. If I had as much understanding as I have today, perhaps things would not have gone wrong. It is very difficult to accept, but that’s how it is.”

Farhan shared the deep emotional turmoil he experienced when his father married Azmi, including feeling “betrayed”. He added, “It took time to go back to normal with my dad. Shabana played a big part in creating that normalcy.”

The complexities of blending families and adjusting to a new family dynamic can be difficult for any child, regardless of age. Gurleen Baruah, occupational psychologist and executive coach at That Culture Thing, tells indianexpress.com, “When a parent remarries, children often face a range of emotional challenges that can impact their mental health. It’s essential to recognise that each individual involved in the relationship and equation should be viewed as a separate human being, with their own emotions, needs, and perspectives.”

Some common emotional challenges that children face when a parent remarries

According to Baruah, children can encounter several emotional challenges:

Jealousy and Insecurity: Children may feel the new partner is taking away the attention and love of their primary parent, leading to resentment toward the new partner and feelings of jealousy.

Loss of Trust: The changes in family structure can lead to a breakdown in trust, especially if the child feels that their relationship with the parent is being compromised or if they fear being replaced.

Tantrums and Anger Outbursts: Children might express their confusion, frustration, and emotional turmoil through tantrums and anger, as they struggle to process the changes in their family dynamics.

Attachment Issues and Clinging Behaviour: In an attempt to secure their place in the parent’s life, children may become overly clingy or develop unhealthy attachment patterns, fearing abandonment or further loss.

Critical or Defensive Behaviour: Some children may become overly critical or defensive, either lashing out at the new partner or withdrawing from family interactions altogether, as a way to protect themselves from perceived threats.

Sadness and Depression: The upheaval in family structure can lead to feelings of sadness or depression, as children mourn the loss of the original family unit or struggle to adapt to the new dynamics.

Confusion and Identity Struggles: Children may also grapple with confusion about their role in the new family structure, leading to identity struggles as they try to navigate their place within the new dynamics.

Children might feel a range of emotions, from anger to confusion to betrayal. It’s important to validate these feelings, letting them know it’s okay to feel this way. (Source: Freepik)

How can parents and stepparents help children adjust to a new family dynamic?

Approach the situation as you would with an adult — by talking with them, not at them, says Baruah. This establishes a foundation of trust and respect, which is crucial in helping the child feel valued and heard. Other steps include:

-Start with a Conversation: Begin by having a calm, honest conversation with the child about the changes in the family. Explain the situation in a way that is age-appropriate, but do not shy away from acknowledging their feelings and concerns.

-Reassure Their Place: Make it clear that the new stepparent is not an adversary and, most importantly, can never replace the child’s unique role in the family. Reinforce the idea that their relationship with their biological parents is irreplaceable. 

-Validate Their Feelings: Children might feel a range of emotions, from anger to confusion to betrayal. It’s important to validate these feelings, letting them know it’s okay to feel this way. 

-Facilitate Bonding: Encourage the child to spend time with the stepparent in low-pressure situations, where they can gradually build a relationship. This can help dispel fears and anxieties by allowing the child to see the stepparent as an ally.

-Promote Security and Stability: Children thrive on stability, so maintaining consistent routines and ensuring that the child’s world isn’t upended by the new dynamic can help them feel more secure. Knowing that some things remain unchanged provides a sense of continuity and safety.

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