Dating coach addresses the fear of breaking up: ‘It can feel like I’m having to blow up…’

Breakups are tough. It can be devastating for both the people involved. But, have you ever faced a situation where you are convinced that you should break up with your partner, but are afraid of the consequences?

Matthew Hussey, a dating coach and content creator explains this in a recent podcast with fellow dating expert Lewis Howes. He says, “It’s easier when someone breaks up with us in many ways, because at least we feel like we’re on the receiving end. At least they pulled the trigger.” 

“But if I’m breaking up with them, I’m the one who has to detonate. I’m the one who has to throw the punch. And that’s the hard part, it can feel like I’m having to blow up my own life.”

 

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Neha Parashar, clinical psychologist at Cadabams Mindtalks says, “The fear of breaking up often correlates with avoidance behaviours and fear of confrontation. These are defensive strategies aimed at preventing emotional distress or conflict.”

Psychological theories, she says, such as conflict avoidance and anxiety management, suggest that individuals may fear breakup due to anticipated stress or trauma from confronting painful emotions or potential conflict with their partner.

Underlying psychological factors that contribute to the fear of initiating a breakup

Attachment styles play a crucial role in how individuals perceive and handle breakups. “Those with anxious attachment styles may fear abandonment and experience heightened anxiety at the thought of ending a relationship,” says Parashar. 

Meanwhile, avoidant individuals might struggle with intimacy, making the emotional navigation of a breakup more complex. Past traumatic relationships can also predispose individuals to fear initiating breakups, as they may anticipate similar negative outcomes, she informs.

Can the fear of breaking up be intensified by concerns about the other person’s well-being or potential reactions

Parashar agrees that the fear of breaking up can be exacerbated by concerns over a partner’s reaction or well-being. This can create a significant psychological burden, especially if one feels responsible for their partner’s happiness. 

“Navigating this requires setting healthy boundaries and recognising that while empathy is important, one’s own emotional health must also be a priority. Effective communication and perhaps consultation with a therapist can help manage these concerns,” she adds. 

Mindfulness and emotional regulation strategies can aid in managing anxiety and emotional distress. (Source: Freepik)

Coping strategies and therapeutic approaches

Individuals can employ various strategies to cope with the fear of breaking up, suggests Parashar:

*Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) can help modify the thought patterns that fuel fear and avoidance. 

*Mindfulness and emotional regulation strategies can aid in managing anxiety and emotional distress associated with breakups. 

*Engaging in individual therapy can provide a safe space to explore fears and learn healthier ways to cope with relationship dynamics.

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