Cristiano Ronaldo’s YouTube channel: another foray into self-celebration and conceit

Cristiano Ronaldo does not want to go quietly into the sunset. Rather, he wants to suspend the sunset, and be the sun and horizon himself. So, at the near-end of his acclaimed career, he ventures out of his six-yard comfort zone into the unknown lanes of YouTubing and reel-popping. He was exemplarily seamless at switching roles, transforming from a jet-heeled winger of rebellious curls and ornate step-overs to the slick-haired goal machine of a centre forward, the stuff of footballing lore.

This, though, could be the most challenging of his evolutions, not in terms of attracting ‘SIUUUbscribers” or making watchers hit the ‘like’ button, but to ensure that he doesn’t make a parody of himself.

Just hours after he launched his channel, UR Cristiano, it broke the world record by becoming the fastest channel to hit one million subscribers (in less than an hour). In four days, the number swelled to 42.5 million, a rate of scoring that would make his goal-scoring boots blush and surpassed his great rival and contemporary Lionel Messi (who has just a meagre following of 2.31 million), with the Portuguese legend probably fancying himself to defeat YouTube King MrBeast, who has 312 million subscribers.

Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo reacts after scoring in penalty shoot outs of a round of sixteen match between Portugal and Slovenia at the Euro 2024 soccer tournament in Frankfurt, Germany, Monday, July 1, 2024. (AP Photo/Matthias Schrader)

Ronaldo, as he had already made the world known, doesn’t settle for anything but the top spot.

But before hitting the browser, one would wonder what this could be about. There is no goal of his that YouTube has not stored; there is no story of his it has not recorded, neither trivia nor gossip, technique or tantrum, praise or slander that has escaped the world’s gaze. There are but a few sporting celebrities as famous as him. Yet, there could be an anxious curiosity of what it could be, what fresh pretzel of personality could his channel unearth? What slice of his vastly-studied personality could it divulge?

Or a narration of his genuinely fascinating rise from poverty to fame, his evolution as a world-beating footballer, sprinkled with anecdotes and insights? Or reflections on his rivals, managers, colleagues, or the mountain of goals he has scored? Ronaldo is so vast a subject that one day, if an academic bug bites him, he could do research on himself.

The audience, though, would have an inkling of what they could expect. There would be a lot of me, mine and myself in the videos, plenty of gloating and self-glorification. That much is certain. There are ample hints, before one even clicks the first video in chronological order — the title is as unimaginative as it could be (are you ready to discover my YouTube channel?) — in which Ronaldo is bellowing over some joke, like a pantomime drug lord on his golden throne, or like a comic-strip gangster.

Soccer Football – Euro 2024 – Round of 16 – Portugal v Slovenia – Frankfurt Arena, Frankfurt, Germany – July 1, 2024 Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo scores a penalty during the penalty shootout REUTERS/Heiko Becker

That really is the stream, so far, about. Catering to those smitten by his glamour and lifestyle, those that get entertained by a celebrity couple — he introduces his wife Georgina -quizzing each other’s knowledge of each other, cringe-worthily titled ‘Discover EVERYTHING about us. Who will win?’

I, me, myself

Maybe, he is keeping the sporting and serious side for later, as creators build their audiences by offering a variety of content. After all, you have consumed Ronaldo the footballer for the span of this century. Just then pounces “This is how I overcome adversity in life” entry with a muscled-bicep emoji. Should be insightful, but shocked eyes see it span for just 44 seconds. And the stunned ears hear the most platitudinal line. The setting is that of a press conference room, and the sentences he utters seems like a snatch from a press conference: “I think everything that happens in life happens for a reason. I have no problem saying there were bad times in my career.”

Regrets? “I guess there’s no time in this life for regrets. Life goes on. We learn from it. Regardless of whether things are going well or not, it’s part of our evolution as human beings.” The backdrop shifts to a real game, where Ronaldo is fouled (a soft challenge), he takes a knock on his head and perceptibly overreacts. And he regurgitates a line that has no real significance to the context of the foul: “When we are at the top of the mountain, it is hard to see what is down below.”

Soccer Football – Euro 2024 – Group F – Portugal v Czech Republic – Leipzig Stadium, Leipzig, Germany – June 18, 2024 Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo reacts REUTERS/Lisi Niesner

So this is how he swam over adversities. So incisive a dive into his hardships (poverty, bullying, haranguing). How does he manage the pressure of being Ronaldo? “Responsibility.” He stops and explains: “I am the most watched guy (in the world, planet, galaxy, you could fill in). So, there is responsibility,”

When Ronaldo gets bored of talking up himself, his wife Georgina does it. Sample this: “I think it’s a promising project with guaranteed success, like everything you do. With your dedication and that magnetism you have that attracts people, and that curiosity that you bring out in your fans and in the whole world, it’s guaranteed success, I have no doubt.”

After wife arrives his son, Cristiano Ronaldo Junior, in “Cristiano Jr. dares to challenge me… with a free kick!” No guesses on who won the contest. What the son does, the dad does better. The son resurfaces in a game of paddle tennis in a cage near the Red Sea, where all you hear is Vamos, maybe doing some justice to the clickbait title Bernabeu… pressure… 90,000.

The relief is that the videos (20 in all, but like his goal-tally soars by the day) are not torturously long — ranging from 24 seconds to three minutes 24 seconds. And at the end of it, just these words from one of his videos echo between the ears. ‘Oh, what a mess!’

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