Sharmila Tagore on the early stages of motherhood: ‘I was really absent…’

Veteran actor Sharmila Tagore recently opened up about her experience as a parent at a Mother’s Day event for YFLO, admitting she felt like an absent mother after the birth of her son, Saif Ali Khan. 

She said that after giving birth to Khan she became “very busy”. “I was working two shifts a day and for the first six years of his life, I was really absent,” she reflected. 

She said that she did go to big events such as his school plays, parent teacher meetings, “but I don’t think I was a full-time mom. My husband was there, but I wasn’t.”

The impact of parental absence in a child’s growth

Parental absence can have a significant impact on a child’s growth and development. Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist at Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital, says that it can have long term and short term effects. 

“In the short term, children often experience anxiety, sadness, or anger when a parent is absent. This can manifest as clinginess, mood swings, or irritability. There is also an increased likelihood of behavioural problems such as aggression, defiance, or withdrawal from social interactions. Additionally children can face difficulty concentrating in school, leading to poorer academic performance,” Dordi elucidates. 

Whereas in the long term, she states, this absence can disrupt the formation of secure attachments, leading to difficulties in relationships and trust issues later in life. There is a higher risk of developing anxiety disorders, depression, or other mental health issues.

“Problems with self-esteem and identity formation can arise, potentially leading to a sense of inadequacy or low self-worth. There is a likelihood of engaging in risky behaviours, such as substance abuse or delinquency, especially during adolescence,” she adds. 

Does this vary based on whether a father is absent or a mother?

Dordi agrees that the impact of parental absence can vary depending on whether the absent parent is the mother or the father.

In cases where the mother is absent, she says that it can lead to difficulties in managing emotions and increased feelings of insecurity, as mothers often play a crucial role in the emotional regulation and nurturing of their children.

“The absence of a mother, particularly in early childhood, can also disrupt attachment bonds, resulting in attachment-related issues.”

Providing frequent reassurances of love and commitment, helping the child feel secure despite physical absences. (Source: Freepik)

Fathers often contribute significantly to socialisation, she asserts, including the development of social skills and understanding of social roles. “Their absence may affect a child’s social competence and peer relationships.”

Furthermore, fathers typically provide structure and discipline. Their absence can lead to behavioural issues and difficulties with authority.

How parents can foster a strong bond and provide adequate support to their children

According to Dordi, Parents who are often absent due to work or other commitments can still foster a strong bond and provide adequate support through the following approaches:

*Establishing and maintaining consistent routines and rituals that provide a sense of stability and predictability.

*Utilising technology, such as video calls, to maintain regular contact and presence in the child’s life, even when physically distant.

*Prioritising quality interactions during available times, focusing on active listening, shared activities, and emotional connection.

*Staying involved in the child’s life by participating in important events, discussing daily activities, and showing interest in their experiences and feelings.

*Ensuring that other caregivers are well-informed and aligned with the parenting approach to provide consistent care and reinforcement of values.

*Providing frequent reassurances of love and commitment, helping the child feel secure despite physical absences.

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