Of trauma bonds, unhealthy attachments, love: Gen Z perspective on toxic relationships and staying in it

Have you ever been in a relationship that drained you? Have you experienced that constant gut feeling that something isn’t right? You know that the relationship is toxic, but cannot muster the courage to end it.

Do you know the root cause of this issue? Why, despite enduring repeated disrespect and abuse, you choose to stay and… in Taylor Swift’s words, continue to perform CPR on a broken relationship when it’s no use?

You could be trauma bonded with your partner.

Generation Z (Gen Z), many of whom are either entering new relationships or have been in one for some time now, are navigating trauma bonding behaviour, toxic attachments and possibly overthinking and self diagnosing newer phenomena they come across on the Internet every other day.

Trauma bonding

Trauma bonds are deep emotional attachments that develop from a cyclical pattern of physical and/or emotional abuse or trauma followed by positive reinforcement. Often, the way adults form attachments are rooted in repeated abusive or traumatic childhood experiences from childhood. These attachment styles are classified into four main categories: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.

“Childhood experiences and the environment one grows up in play pivotal roles in shaping an individual’s development into adulthood. The attachment formed between a child and their primary caregivers and the quality of nurturing received profoundly influence their emotional and behavioural patterns later in life,” Gurleen Baruah, organisational psychologist at That Culture Thing, told indianexpress.com.

From childhood trauma to toxic relationships: The cycle continues

In India, unfortunately, it is almost normal to physically and emotionally abuse a child. According to the National Commission for Protection of Child Rights (NCPCR), nearly 55 per cent of children in India experienced some kind of abuse with 25 per cent having experienced physical abuse at some point, 16 per cent sexually abused and 11 per cent subject to emotional or verbal abuse by their parents or caregivers.

As a result, trauma bonding runs deep within the fabric of Gen Z relationships today, manifesting in patterns of intense emotional connections intertwined with cycles of abuse or manipulation.

“One of my friends is in a relationship that turned out to be a trauma bond. She is my closest friend, and I always noticed that she was mocked by her family about everything she did, about her looks, etc..”, said 21-year-old Puja Chanda, while talking to indianexpress.com.

Chanda revealed how her friend, craving validation, concealed a toxic relationship from everyone, even her confidants. “When she finally confided in me, admitting the relationship was abusive, I was devastated,” she said.

Using CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) or narrative or emotion focused therapy, one can learn to love themselves, says Malika Chandra, psychotherapist, MC Psychotherapy (Source: Freepik)

Intersection of childhood trauma and adult relationships

Elaborating on different attachment styles, Baruah said, “As adults, many individuals tend to replicate the attachment styles they learned during childhood in their interpersonal relationships.”

Secure attachment: Individuals with secure attachment styles typically had caregivers who were consistently responsive to their needs during childhood. As a result, they feel confident in themselves and in their relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy and independence, and they tend to have healthy communication patterns.

Anxious-preoccupied attachment: This attachment style often develops when caregivers were inconsistent or unpredictable in meeting the child’s emotional needs. Adults with anxious-preoccupied attachment tend to crave closeness and reassurance in relationships. They may worry about abandonment and experience high levels of anxiety and insecurity.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment: Individuals with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles may have had caregivers who were emotionally distant or unavailable during childhood. As adults, they tend to prioritise independence and self-reliance. They may avoid emotional intimacy, suppress their feelings, and have difficulty expressing vulnerability in relationships.

Fearful-avoidant attachment: This attachment style typically stems from childhood experiences characterised by trauma or abuse. Adults with fearful-avoidant attachment may have conflicting desires for closeness and independence. They may exhibit unpredictable behaviour, fear rejection, and struggle with emotional regulation in relationships.

Sanskriti Ramachandran, 21, expressed her helplessness, “A friend of mine has never been close with her dad because he cheated on her mother a while ago. Now, because of this, she can’t trust people anymore and dates toxic people who exhibit the same behaviour.”

Psychologists attest to the intricate interplay between past trauma and present relationships, highlighting the tendency for unresolved wounds to resurface in intimate connections.

“One of my friends had an abusive and authoritarian kind of father. He never used to let her go with friends. She also complained about being physically abused. Due to such a past, she finds it challenging to express emotions, often leading to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships,” Juhi Kharbanda, a communication specialist, shared with indianexpress.com.

“Childhood trauma has an extremely significant impact on attachment styles,” said Malika Chandra, psychotherapist, MC Psychotherapy. She also said attachment styles not only affect relationships with partners, but also friends, family, society, and the workplace. Depending on the needs that were not met in childhood, one can develop a lack of self worth in a given area of their sense of self.

Elaborating on her own experience, Juhi told indianexpress.com, “I recall feeling inexplicably drawn to someone whose treatment of me always fell short of healthy. In hindsight, I recognise how I overlooked crucial red flags, emphasising the importance of self worth and discerning healthy relationship dynamics.”

Neha Parashar, clinical psychologist at Cadabams Mindtalk said that attachment injury arises from the disruption in attachment process between the child and their primary caregivers during early years; and if the child while growing up further isn’t exposed to a healthier and supportive environment this could lead to lasting effects in adulthood.

“During the early stages of life the primary caregiver becomes the source of distress by either being absent either emotionally or physically (either separated/divorced or due to death); or the parent is immature or cold. This can affect the child in becoming disoriented, disorganised, anxious, or even avoidant in their attachment style,” she said.

“Yes, I liked a boy; I’d rather say I became obsessed with him. He is the first person who talks to me everyday and my attention is fully drawn to him. One day, I observed our activities, his behaviour towards me and then it struck me this relationship is not good. After some days I realised it is going to be the most unhealthy thing for me,” Chanda reflected on her relationship.

She elaborated, “During our first meeting, in the presence of his friends, he made fun of my appearance. One time, he cracked an insensitive joke about my body weight in front of his friends, and said that it was justified. He always reassured me when I had doubts or something bad happened, and I consider it my fault that I fell for it. I loved the attention he gave me, and that’s how I was infatuated with him.”

The road to healing and recovery

Breaking free from trauma bonds necessitates a journey of commitment to healing and self discovery. “The first thing to note is to never shame the person for having been in a relationship where they experienced a trauma bond,” Chandra stressed.

Chandra also said that psychodynamic therapy has a lot to offer for individuals looking to make their attachment styles more secure. “When it comes to therapy, even if attachment is not directly addressed, it can be healed. For example, using CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) or narrative or emotion-focused therapy, one can learn to love themselves. As their self worth and sense of self strengthens, their attachments will automatically become more secure,” she assured.

“In my personal experience and evidence-based work, trauma-focused cognitive behaviour therapy (TF-CBT); attachment based therapies; emotion focused therapies; somatic therapies; internal family systems; eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR), and support groups have shown great outcomes and effectiveness in helping individuals to heal from not only complex trauma but trauma bonding too,” Parashar said.

Gen Z tendency to self diagnose

The internet and social media is saturated with mental health advice, and Gen Z could be too quick to label, judging others by the incomplete information and ideas they have, courtesy of the Internet and social media platforms and self-proclaimed mental health experts and ‘coaches’.

This could lead to taking action and distancing people in the name of setting boundaries, accepting abusive behaviour, and a self-fulfilling prophecy that manifests the diagnosis that one has assigned to themselves.

Some are tagged narcissists, some could be said to have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). “While I think a lot of the information is helpful, the current generation does not have enough tools on how to use this information beneficially,” she said.

“I find that this bite-sized information, suitable for our shortening attention spans, can be misleading. Each individual is too complex to be put in a category based on a few lines,” Chandra said.

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