7 ways to handle competitiveness in friendships

In life, there is no bond deeper and more cherished than a friendship. Friends stick with you through thick and thin, lend you their ears in moments of crisis, offer support and cheer you on when you achieve something big. 

However, not all friendships are the same. Competitiveness in friendships can greatly affect the closeness shared between two individuals. It can lead to a lot of resentment and quarrels between them. 

Psychologist and mental health expert Dr Arvind Otta, says, “These bonds also have their hidden seams, and sometimes, a wave of competition spoils the nuances of these relationships.” 

Dr Otta explains that some people tend to compete as they want to fulfill the need to make themselves more worthwhile, which can end up being expressed in actions such as immodestly bragging about one’s success or constantly seeking validation, He further adds that the person may even “deliberately discredit someone’s success to make themselves more valuable”.

Competitiveness, he says, can stem from several factors with the significant one being “the innate human desire for validation and acknowledgement from peers”. This begins from early childhood; everyone subconsciously seeks validation and acceptance from others, but for some individuals it “manifests as an insatiable need to prove their superiority within their social group.”

Competitiveness in friendships can greatly affect the closeness shared between two individuals. (Source: Freepik)

For those dealing with a competitive friend, Dr Otta says, “A competitive friend may be hard to handle but establishing healthy limits can make your bond stronger and help you to be free from unnecessary stress.”

He suggests a few strategies for creating healthy boundaries with such individuals:

Open communication and clear boundaries

It’s very important to initiate clear communication with your friends about how their competitive behaviour makes you feel. Whenever you are having this conversation, use “I” statements to express your feelings, requests, and demands without hurting anyone. Both of you must understand what is expected and unacceptable in your friendship. For instance, talk to your friend about how you feel when others compare both of you. It will help both to understand each other and will strengthen your bond.

Firmness with respect

It is essential to maintain your boundaries, but then it is equally important to give your friend ample respect. Don’t be sarcastic or angry when you encounter limitations, but remain firm on what you think. Don’t yell; instead, communicate, firmly and respectfully, validating the friend’s point of view while at the same time arguing for your needs. By showing respect towards them, you set a great example, encouraging them to be respectful towards others as well.

Mutual growth and support

Encourage competition that motivates you and your friend to move forward so that you both succeed. Create a supportive environment and lend each other a hand when terrible things happen. Emphasise that unity and support are more important than rivalry.

Show empathy for their perspective

To create empathy and understanding for your friend’s competitive behaviour, you must boost their self-esteem by acknowledging their feelings and providing reasons as to why they act in such a way. Competing over the same interests can be resolved by active listening and recognising the causes behind these situations. By doing this you ought to recognize their emotions and yours as well while appreciating how they feel.

Prioritise collaboration over competition 

Recasting a friendship from one based on rivalry into one founded upon partnership and mutual support is vital. This could occur by encouraging teamwork, shared goals, or minimising competition between.  

Lead by example and encourage self-reflection

Be a role model for the behaviour you wish to see in your friend. Do not act overly competitive yourself. Be kind, support your friend’s career, and have a genuine attitude toward their success. 

Periodic review and self-care

Review and establish boundaries by clearly explaining them, which will empower you and make your interactions more effective. As friendships grow, their dynamics change, leading to shifts in the boundaries that define them.

Prioritise self-care by identifying a friendship that repeatedly ignores your boundaries or negatively impacts your well-being. “Understand your boundaries and be willing to let go of the relationship if it turns out too unhealthy, even when you have made attempts to put up acceptable boundaries,” says Dr Otta. 

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